When Good Men Behave Badly by David B. Wexler

Author:David B. Wexler
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781608827190
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications

Independent Sexual Center of Initiative

The independent center of initiative concept from self psychology helps us understand another central midlife narrative. For many of us, it is a revelation that our partner has her own reasons—which have nothing to do with us—for doing what she does, including saying yes or no to sex.

For example, Clark told me about an evening when his wife was clearly giving him signals that she was interested in a romantic evening after her eight-year-old son (his stepson) went to bed. Her son had been having trouble falling asleep, so she lay down in bed with him and eventually fell asleep. When Clark went in to get her, she was groggy and had lost her appetite for sex. Clark told me, “I couldn’t believe she was not following through! I griped and pissed and moaned! She said to me, ‘You cannot come between me and my son!’ It felt like one more huge piece of evidence that she didn’t really love me. I could just tell that she was holding this back from me just to get me.”

Clark perceived his wife’s behavior only in terms of what she could offer him. There was no room for her to be doing the right thing by helping her son; there was no room for her to be tired. Clark could only think about what had been “promised.” In Clark’s eyes, at that moment, she was allowed no independent center of initiative.

In trying to understand men who behave badly in response to an emotional injury, we must consider the man’s feeling of being powerless, no matter how much it might appear that he is acting powerful. Here Clark felt as if his wife was unilaterally in charge of their sex life. He was feeling powerless—his wife (and his stepson’s emotional needs) governed his sex life, and he felt like he was just following along.

Exercise: The Stories of Sex

Here is a broad range of emotional and psychological needs that people try to fulfill through sex. Some of these are healthy reasons to have sex; others do not belong anywhere near the bedroom. See if you can identify the needs that you bring into the bedroom and consider positive alternative ways of getting these needs met. The list of needs and the accompanying alternatives are not meant to be all-inclusive—see what needs and creative alternatives you can generate.

Remember that self-knowledge is power. The payoff here is truly sexual sex and a relationship less disrupted by unmet needs.

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